Shall do a quick one.

No words can express how I'm feeling now. I'm in a dilemma. Forever one sia.
I'll be sucha dumbass if I post everything here. Like asking for trouble only, after the lesson i've learnt last time. Those lovey dovey stuffs on the internet... and then rumours came about.. wtf?
Still pretty affected by it now though. I mean, how can one be so childish? Nvm. Over alr anyway.


I counted my troubles. And there are LOADS.. I know I shouldnt count it la, but.. yknow I needa know what am I EXACTLY worrying about, so I can settle it ASAP. But then I realised.. settling these burdens/troubles is beyond my ability, much more it requires much time...
I won't self preach the, "Time will eventually heal all wounds." much more, mine's not even a WOUND. LOL. Ok maybe it is la, whatever. I will say.. Only with God's help, I can feel peace.


Right now, my mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts, and those unpleasant memories I don't even wish to remember but it keeps recurring without fail.
Like, when I hear certain songs, or see familiar things, and then those memories hit, there goes my mood for the day..


I don't expect everyday to be good, to be perfect, to reach my expectations, I don't even wish anything. Ok la I did wish everyth to go on smoothly each day... But, it doesnt seem so.
Besides feeling lethargic, awful, unsatisfied, there are more things... more reasons..
I want peace!!!!! really!!!!!!! It's quite difficult to reach to that level, that one I know. Hmph...


I do hope la, still.
I do pray.
I want to make the right decisions.
I want to do what is RIGHT, ditch what is WRONG.
There are many things I wanna say, I wanna do, I wanna vent, but I can't,
I feel out of place. I'm angry, I'm jealous, I hate, I wanna kill, but I can't.
I expect, I hope, I wish, I ponder bout it, I crave, I yearn for it, I make plans, it wouldn't come true.
I love, I want, but everything's going against it.
I feel insecure, mentally physically spiritually exhausted, I feel lonely, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm disappointed, I wanna cry, cry out loud, I'm in a dilemma, i can't make decisions,
Fame, glory, wealth, prosperity, my needs.
I pondered for long, I brainstorm, what can I really do? Is there really something I can do?
I feel deserted, ditched, vigorously stepped on, I can't and I refuse to retaliate.
I'm confuse, I can't think, I pity.

I dislike my personality. I dislike ME. I dislike BEING ME. I'm aware I'm much more fortunete than others, but, I feel like THIS. I still feel like THIS.

After this, thoughts are gonna spin, again.


There IS something I can do. That is to talk to God about it.
To reflect on myself, every night. Whatever right things and wrong things I've done, I tell to this friend of mine. I know he listens, he answers my prayers, he's gonna get me through every obstacles. Here's a phrase, "God brings you to it, he'll be there to bring you through it."
Yes no doubt, I'm gonna suffer, but he, will not let me die, will not let things reach beyond my limits. I trust, I have faith.. But God, having faith doesn't mean I'm not lost, doesn't mean I don't have the above feelings. I'm still afraid, I'm still insecure, I'm still worried about anything and everything. I miss those...... But I know it's not coming back, again.

I'm affected, God. I'm affected by everything. I analysed too many things, I can't get it done, nor make ammendments to it. I, really don't know what to do. Really.
It's like, I'm drowning in the sea even though imma a good swimmer. Everything's just dragging me down.


Esther asking if you could help her, lead her to where she should be led.


Imma write a second letter to God later.


I miss them, I really do. They brought me happiness, they gave me peace.
No, they allow me to get to know, and experience peace.


You may think, what exactly am I worrying about, what exactly is this EMO GIRL worrying about. Hahahaha HOW BAD CAN HER LIFE BE??? So here's an answer, You judge me. You're not me, you're not in my shoes, you don't know me, you have absolutely no friggin' idea in what am I experiencing. Above all these, you JUDGE... and that's not very wise.


Yes you read this, you know A LOT bout me huh?
But no, this isn't everything. There is more that I wish to express, except, not here.


Edited @ 11.23PM,
Someone just made me day, literally. I ain't being sarcastic. It's true.
After all the things I've been through, I deserve something right...? Eh?
Appreciated, really..